Reality Check

  When I was younger I wanted to be like my father.
  I don't deny it. But I had no idea what it would take to gain
  a measure of his success. I thought it would just fall in my lap,
  because I grew up under his roof.

  A series of life corrections brought me around.

  Out of college, living on my own, working as a security guard,
  well, that's how it was. Those "self-published books" in my bio,
  did not take off and sell as much as I thought they should.
  This got me ticked off at God. Because I thought "my talent" was obvious.

  When our family moved to Des Moines, Iowa, my art abilities did not
  gain me work. Being unemployed for nine months, trying to do
  portraits and art "on-the-side," left me dissatisfied. I became a night janitor.
  That was humbling enough. From a big-headed college graduate to
  emptying trash cans for three years.

  I tried talking a minister into letting me use my talents for his church.
  My father had been asked to do that and was well-known for it.
  Instead, this guy told me, "Come to church and get your needs met first."
  No matter how I came at it, the pastor would not cave. I couldn't believe it.
  It stopped me in my tracks.
 
  In the years that followed, I learned this slow lesson: you are not a human do--ing,
  you are a human be--ing. My identity is not measured against another. In my
  inadequacy and limitedness, Jesus takes me as I am, and paints words of
  value on top of me. Words I did not want to believe, like accepted...wanted...
  treasured.
 
  In my 30s this can-opener began to cut open the dark places of my heart.
  The inner rage at labels stuck on me, the rejection I felt, messed up attitudes
  everyone else could see I carried with me, unrealistic expectations gnawing
  in my head, and other issues that smoldered....saw the light of day.
  He heard my plea and released the gift of tears. At first it was a good thing,
  but he would not let up. I did not "have it all together" like I once thought I did.
  Pent up anxieties came out. Anger was worked through. Forces beyond my control
  were broken by him. I had been falling into a hole again and again. The twelve step
  program taught me how to walk around the hole, and how to walk down another path
  all together. Forgiving my parents, myself, and others was part of that process.

  From Des Moines,Iowa to Anaheim, California and on to Carrollton, Missouri...
  the Vast Intensity Joy Undivided brought joy and gratitude in a new way.

  So, what about that measure of success an artist yearns for ?
 
  It is about being found.
  It is about being painted upon.......from an outside source.
  It is about being held on the inside.
  It is about experiencing moments of his pleasure.
  It is about being treasured.

  Something greater is going on.

  I am in love with Jesus.

  So......I am in a season of painting, yes.....But there are no boxes...no glamour...
  no hype...no separation between that and this. I am in love.
  All my achievements are connected to him. The MORE. The WOW.

  This isn't taught at the career center or university.
  It would be unfair to you if I did not share it, and so I have.

  Karl Marxhausen
   September 11, 2007

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